How Do I Live.....

At this point, my wife Natrah is struggling in her pursuit of her Masters in HUKM. She previously had asked me to contribute to this blog. I did not promise that i would do it but rather promised that I'll try and do it.

This blog is her pride and joy. As much as her children are to her. She was coerced into or should i say sweet talked into become a blogger by her dear friend Farah in Penang. She officially started blogging in December 2007. Initially we didn't have a broadband internet connection in our house, but after a painful hours spending waiting for the internet to download via the dialup connection we decided to have the streamyx line plugged in. She was very happy as now she can surf and blog without being plugged in as we had put in the wireless router also. She can blog on the bed, while watching tv and sometimes while cooking.

I could say that she is quite obsessed with blogging at that time coz sometimes she would spend time staying up until wee hours in the morning, sometimes until 3 a.m. Which is quite unusual for her. Even when she came back from work in the afternoon, the first thing she would reach for after eating lunch is her laptop. She started blogging while using this old horse the NEC Versa which we bought from Carrefour. Because she was so enthusiastic in blogging, i decided to buy her a brand new Sony Vaio plus a Sony Cybershot Digital Camera. She blogged about it in this entry.

She would blog almost everyday and the thing that got her hooked is that she was able to learn new things like how to do a header using photoshop and other add on stuff. She likes to browse or blogwalking to other bloggers blogs. From there she made quite a number of friends. She would blogwalking to all sorts of blogs and leave messages. She was excited to be able to meet new people and share their interest.

But as they say, all things can't stay the same forever. She applied for Masters in Public Health from UKM. Obviously, she was accepted in the Masters application. She started her study in July 2008 and her masters programme would finish in 4 years time. She was divided at that time whether to further her studies or stay on as Medical and Health Officer in Baling.

By my encouragement, she decided to further her studies. Being a student, and a long distance mother and wife was quite hard for her. The travelling sometimes took a toll on her health. This past 1 year she had numerous occasion of URTI or simple cold. Well, i could also say that it had also affected me in a way.

My responsibilty had increase by being the single father during the weekdays. No more extra time for myself sometimes, my eating habits was also affected too. Sometimes i couldn't careless for my food, as i would prefer to concentrate more in my children's food. I was feeling pretty tired most of the time. My sleep pattern was haywired. I would sleep early with afiq. And then woke up in odd hours. By then it is difficult to sleep again. The most difficult part is the feeling of being lonely. You can say that i have my kids for company, but it's different. Its not the same of having her around the house. I did not tell this to her as i don't want her to feel burdened by this. She has enough on her mind with her studies and all. I thought that it could be more okay after i had adjusted to it. But it seems with the days passing, it wasn't.

I tried to keep myself busy at times. Just to ignore the loneliness. I bought a new laptop, a Dell Studio. I tried to play games (pc games) which i had enjoyed previously, but its just wasnt the same. I tried exercising at night. Its just wasn't the same. Getting hooked to Ebay doesn't work too.

Aiman too felt that i had been different at times. He even commented that I don't eat a lot nowadays. Sometimes he even scold me for not eating. I try to accompany them during dinner as this would make them eat more. Aiman is also i could say a 'schoolaholic' he likes school so much that he even wants to be the first one reaches school. But... when he reaches home, he just forgets everything from school. All he wants is just relaxing and watch tv.

Aiman with the long face... Late to school. Hehe

As for Danial, i think he misses her mum the most out of the 3 despite him being the one who gets scolded more often than everyone. He would point out the things that he would do like able to ride a bicycle with 2 tyres or even able to read and write and complained that mak is not around to see him do that. He also questions why other kids mother is there with them (he only knows our neighbour mother who is not working). There is one time that he cried when all of us sent mak to the airport. He said "Abang ngah tak syok mak tak ada".

Danial with his usual grin

The boys chilling out in the water

Afiq, he doesn't know much. But when my wife comes back during weekends, he would cling to his mother most of the time. And when the next morning when he wakes up, he would call out for her. He also likes to see his mak's pictures. He even confuses himself with 'mak' and 'bak'. Out of the 3, afiq seems to know how to 'pujuk' me when i'm angry or upset he would call out to me and make animal sounds that he likes to make a cat or a goat sound.

Afiq in KLCC Playground

Oh how I wish i could turn back the clock to the time when everything was simple. And do things differently or even feel things differently. But i can't. So many things had happened during this past 9 months and even so in the past 2 months. I am trying my best. But i don't know if that is good enough. I sometimes questions my own ability and ownself. Am i good enough to face this, am i strong enough, did i do things right, or did i do things wrong. Am i bringing them up the right way or not. All i can do is pray and hope.

By Deejay (Natrah's hubbby)